This morning I woke up, convinced I had herpes. True, I didn’t have those big red spots that they show you on picture cards during Sex Ed at school, but it was a bit itchy and there were little white bumps.
Now, I know that the likelihod of me having herpes is minimal. Condoms are my best friend, and the only time a penis has touched my vagina was when Empire State Penis Guy rested his penis against me back in mid-November (I remember the date because I thought the penis-graze could result in pregnancy, so took a morning after pill).
So this morning, when I saw the bumps, I freaked out. I did what any sane person would do and went to the Walk-In Centre.
After an hour’s wait, spent eyeing up the others in the oh-so-crowded Waiting Room (and, mortifyingly, recognising a boy from my English seminar), a gorgeous doctor called my name. He was tall, blonde and looked like a young version of Carlisle from Twilight. I thought it was nice to have a cute doctor escort me to the female doctor, who would carry out my examination.
So I followed Dr Dreamy to a room, and expected him to wait outside. But he opened the door for me and walked in. Then took a seat at his desk and asked the 7 words you don’t want to be asked by a male doctor at a Sexual Health Clinic: “So, what can I do for you?”
I mean, the honest answer to that would have been ‘Please send me back to the Waiting Room so I can talk about my problems with a doctor who also has a vagina’. But I felt a bit bad for the guy – he must have gone to Medical School for 6 years, and I’d feel a bit rude to turn him away. So I told him all about my Herpes Hypothesis, and that I’d probably had latent herpes since November that was coming to the surface now.
He typed away at his computer, then asked the string of embarrassing questions we all just love (“Are you sexually active?”, “When was the last time you had sex?” and, of course, “Have you done anal?”)
And then after that, he went out to get a female nurse to supervise, as he was going to check out my nether regions to see if I did, in fact, have herpes.
As I took off my ‘I Heart Nerds’ pants, I couldn’t help but feel mortified that I hadn’t shaved down there in preparation for this examination. I also hadn’t shaved my legs. Not ideal. I know that’s ridiculous – why should I care about not shaving, just because it’s a male doctor? (I’m gonna blame that on internalised patriarchy…)
So there I was, lying on the couch, with my legs in the restraints (it always feels very 50 Shades) and Dr Dreamy started swabbing and inserting things into my vagina. It was very odd. Part of me felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend – a stranger just met my vagina! It’s like a ONS, but for educational purposes (and without any sex of course).
But the worst thing, was Dr Dreamy’s pause when he inspected my vagina and he asked me to point out the bumps. So I did, and he looked closer and said that they were just glands! Aka skin that everyone has down there. Mortifying.
After the examination, I hurriedly got dressed and sat down on the chair whilst he went and sent off the samples to the lab. I made the mistake of leaning backwards and accidentally set off the Clinic’s panic alarm, so I had a nurse run in within a minute. Then Dr Dreamy himself came in, laughing at my idiocy.
The good news is that he doesn’t think I have any STIs. The bad news is that my arm is now killing from the HIV test he threw in for lols.
Keep you posted,
The Exeter Girl